Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps
to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and
peaceful moments in her remaining ears with us went terribly wrong as
destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured
much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him
through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great
deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to
he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started
spinning round and round.
As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the
feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick
up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for
mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside ! habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room,
could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people
spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the
I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a
city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything.
But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would
me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express
displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she
would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her
and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't
her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates
most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.
In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
breakfast table, mother facial _expression is always like the dark clouds
before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice.
She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a
long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that
additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf
ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her
help created additional work for me.
For example, she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so
that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled
with all the trash bags.
She would scrimp on dishwashing detergent when helping to wash the dishes
and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and
she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak
to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried
cute, but he totally ignored me.
I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?"
Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We
couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me
and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the
During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on
the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At
the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my
as a wife.
To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own
breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little
upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is
clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?"
He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of
unfairness overwhelmed me. After sometime, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me,
can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to
the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a
sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my
throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw
down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out.
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very
t; loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway
at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came
of it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then
stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final
stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so
furious, since other arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up
her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the
feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with
all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I
threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that
otherwise happy news.
Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of
the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital
I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked
I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I
couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally
found me but he pretended that he doesn't
know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment,
have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am
having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started
Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back
I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the
opening woke me up.
I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face.
He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took
the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really
intends to leave me for good.
What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few
dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did
go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby.
I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said:
Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found
hubby, mother had
already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the
tears in my eyes.
My God, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a
single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only
managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed towards the bus
stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she
tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up
that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...In his heart, I am indirectly
the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and
could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby
soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have
at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding
though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days
suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later
and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like
strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window,
saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed
her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that
moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and
stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,
there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby
stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging
me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the
brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer,
will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to
indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard
been touched -he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again
again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the &! gt;
physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider
the baby, I told them No, I will not.
I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother
for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in
living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the
table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without
even looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find
peace within myself.
I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign."
He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up
coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my
hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I
smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed
paper to him.
"LD, you are pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could
control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I
could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had
thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't! In the western
restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will
We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. For me, it's
unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this
moment of reconciliation, but I realized now,
what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth
my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys
for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had
vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in,
will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in
room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept
This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake
illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would
then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time; I cared for him and am concerned because
there is love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on
and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he
buy something for the baby, infant products,
children products and books that kids like to read.
Bag sand bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is
trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his
actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear
typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late
night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing
the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for
this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding
my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout
journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery
suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed
my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes
caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming
of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with
joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I
cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired
of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the
truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that
moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver
already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last
I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said
about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I
disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room
checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I
thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you
before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you
have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you
throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has
Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems
may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you
can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand
words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To
honest, daddy is very happy.
Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most
also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and
even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I
have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want
to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My
dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile,
thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could
you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to
give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over
and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our
to remember being in the warmth of
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on
the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears
rolled down my face...